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A random selection of fabulous
funny quotations from famous writers throughout history. From our database of over
hilarious 100,000 funny quotes.
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Funniest Random Short Quotes - 89
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not
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Peter Drucker
There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.
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Euripides, Hippolytus, 428 B.C.
My tongue swore, but my mind was still unpledged.
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Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Arranging a bowl of flowers in the morning can give a sense of quiet in a crowded day - like writing a poem, or saying a prayer.
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Publilius Syrus
To do two things at once is to do neither.
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Larry Riemersma
As a sinner I could not please God, I could not neutralize or pay for my own sin. But when God justified me by His grace He went on record declaring me righteous. He didn't wave a magic wand and declare me to be innocent. His holiness would not permit it. A basis for declaring me righteous was needed. The ground upon which my justification is built is the substitutionary death of His son, Jesus Christ. The shedding of blood demonstrates the righteousness of God 'that He might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus' (Rom. 326 NKJV). What a marvelous plan Man's plan of salvation by good works is offensive to God and to anyone who has been saved by God's grace.
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Lewis Black, "Black on Broadway" (2004)
There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.
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E. H. Chapin
To me there is something thrilling and exalting in the thought that we are drifting forward into a splendid mystery-into something that no mortal eye hath yet seen, and no intelligence has yet declared.
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Denis Watley
Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.
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Ayn Rand
Rationality is the recognition of the fact that nothing can alter the truth and nothing can take precedence over that act of perceiving it.
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Irish Proverb
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas.
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George Carlin, From his book - Brain Droppings
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
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