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A random selection of fabulous funny quotations from famous writers throughout history. From our database of over hilarious 100,000 funny quotes.

Funniest Proverbs and Sayings - 189

Saint Augustine

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.


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Ralph Waldo Emerson

He then learns that in going down into the secrets of his own mind he has descended into the secrets of all minds.


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George Levinger

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.


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Finley Peter Dunne

The Puritans gave thanks for being preserved from the Indians, and we give thanks for being preserved from the Puritans.


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Sid Taylor

Wisdom is perishable. Unlike information or knowledge, it cannot be stored in a computer or recorded in a book. It expires with each passing generation.


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William Shakespeare

The quality of mercy is not strained It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath. It is twice blessed- It blesseth him that gives, and him that takes.


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Cicero

Be sure that it is not you that is mortal, but only your body. For that man whom your outward form reveals is not yourself; the spirit is the true self, not that physical figure which and be pointed out by your finger.


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Deanna Troi, _Imzadi_, Star Trek - The Next Generation

Higher emotions are what separate us from the lower orders of life... Higher emotions, and table manners.


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Edith Ann

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.


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G. Weilacher

One only needs two tools in life WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop.


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L. M. K. Boelter, 1957

Engineers participate in the activities which make the resources of nature available in a form beneficial to man and provide systems which will perform optimally and economically.


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Horace Mann

To pity distress is but human; to relieve it is Godlike.



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