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A random selection of fabulous
funny quotations from famous writers throughout history. From our database of over
hilarious 100,000 funny quotes.
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Clever Random Funny Quotes - 118
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
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Thomas a Kempis
Who has a harder fight than he who is striving to overcome himself.
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Kate Reid
Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion.
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Sir Walter Raleigh
Remember, that if thou marry for beauty, thou bindest thyself all thy life for that which perchance will neither last nor please thee one year and when thou hast it, it will be to thee of no price at all for the desire dieth when it is attained, and the affection perisheth when it is satisfied.
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Russell Baker
Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things.
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Author Unknown
So few people think. When we find one who really does, we call him a genius
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Rebecca West
Before a war military science seems a real science, like astronomy but after a war it seems more like astrology.
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Sir Richard Steele
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
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Isaac Asimov
From my close observation of writers...they fall into two groups 1) those who bleed copiously and visibly at any bad review, and 2) those who bleed copiously and secretly at any bad review.
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Douglas Adams, The Guardian
The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he, by peddling second-rate technology, who led them into it in the first place.
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George Carlin
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
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Made
Ricky Here's what I'm gonna ask of you... We're going to be spending the night in New York, so it worked out well for all of us. I want you to take it back to the business class, I want you to round up a couple of honeys... At our hotel room we're gonna have kind of a pool party. California gangster-style, you know what I mean Kick ass pool party thing.
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