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A random selection of fabulous
funny quotations from famous writers throughout history. From our database of over
hilarious 100,000 funny quotes.
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Clever Random Quotes - 168
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Juliana of Norwich
He said not 'Thou shalt not be tempested, thou shalt not be travailed, thou shalt not be dis-eased' but he said, 'Thou shalt not be overcome.'
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Michael Levine
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
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George W. Bush, September 7, 2003
We have learned that terrorist attacks are not caused by the use of strength; they are invited by the perception of weakness. And the surest way to avoid attacks on our own people is to engage the enemy where he lives and plans. We are fighting that enemy in Iraq and Afghanistan today so that we do not meet him again on our own streets, in our own cities.
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Johnny Carson
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
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Jay Edward Adams
If I had to choose between putting a saloon or a liberal church on a corner, I'd choose the saloon every time. People who drink up the pay check in the saloon are less likely to become Pharisees, thinking that they don't need the Great Physician, than those who weekly swill the soporific doctrine of man's goodness.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
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Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
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Oscar Wilde
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking other people to live as one wishes to live.
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John Ciardi
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.
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George Jean Nathan
I only drink to make other people seem interesting.
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Zen Proverb
Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark.
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Joe Moore
Marriage is like a dollar bill. You cannot spend half of it when you tear it in two. The value of one half depends upon the other.
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